Okay, welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. I'm your dungeon master Russ More. He, him, also
with me today is Amy More. Yeah, she, her. I'm Amy More and tonight I will be playing
Sullivan's Are We Doing This Thing? Yeah. You're doing great. Thank you. Yeah, this
is how we do the intro. This is where Amy kind of remembers. This is a little
peek behind the curtain when it's not edited. It's been one day. We forgot, okay? Yeah.
I know. Also, I wasn't quite sure. I was like, is this how we start these things?
But these are new. I don't I play Sullivan's like he, him. And Carla
Maxted. She, her. I'll be playing Glim. Also she, her. And Tom Laird. He, him
and I'll be playing Moot, who is also he, him. Guys, thanks so much for
not just going ahead and saying like your class and your race. And that
makes me look like a complete dummy for just saying the name. We take the
lead from you. You were right there with me. Who her? Russ calls on first to
sets the tone for whatever else is happening. Well, guess what? You know
who's going to set the tone for the rest of the show? All of these lovely
people in the chat. All of these lovely people. This is the only live
show where you go to that. I'm sure you're going to get shouted out if you
if you're in the chat. So guess who else is with us? Aaron, Andrew, Brian,
Craig, David, Forreth. Got it right. Jacob, Kat, Kayla, Nick, Phoebe, Ruben,
Sharon, Stan, Stan or Jess? Threw me off because Jess was in the beginning.
Stevie and Weston, welcome. Thank you so much. Thank you for being here. And I lost the chat. Where did the chat go? There it is. Oh, there it is. Yay. Who's playing
Grantz's tonight? Oh, that's what I came back to. I've got a message on
Discord for after. OK, thank you all for being here. Fuck it. Let's play. I get some dice out, I guess.
Yeah, we're playing. We're playing D&D tonight. I don't know if you know this, Tom.
We rarely ever do. In the chat, we're going to need a setting of difficult
terrain of some sort. Could be very specific, could be named, could be very
generic. Stan? Get out of here. Stan's here. We need something that Mootglim and Sully are trying to find. Could be something extraordinary, could be something not as
extraordinary. These are fun. These are fun ideas. You guys are the best.
Mootglim and Sully, you've accepted a job, a task, a quest, if you will, to go venture through the muggy swamp of
Boric von Prescott to find the holy relic Underpants.
So guys, is this. So is this swamp, like, named after Boric? Is it his swamp? Is it just.
I thought he owned it. Did I? There was, you know, you never let me read the informative placards. And if you would just let me read them, I would be able to answer this question.
I know. But Glim, and I don't mean to be rude with this or anything, but like, you're really, when you read these plaques, you take a really long time.
Well, I mean, somebody put a lot of effort into creating the plaque and making it and sharing information, so I feel like I owe them my full attention.
I mean, that's fair. It's like when you go to the to the plays and you stay all the way through the credits at the end, like those people worked hard.
Exactly, exactly. Yeah, but three very different people.
But I know that we are on a mission, so I understand why you didn't let me read the plaque.
I'm just saying if you did, I'd be able to tell you.
Hey, friends.
Who's that? I got the I got the plaque for you.
You didn't read it, so I just pulled it from the earth and then I brought it to you.
That's just straight up evangelism.
Yeah, you got to put that back after Glim reads it.
Ah, here's 20 minutes of my life.
Well, get ready. This is going to be great. Here, you read this plaque.
I had got it all sweaty because I was running through this muggy swamp.
You ate all the baguettes right before you go on this big quest and you left me behind a little bit, but I caught up, so it's OK.
Well, thank Bahamut. You're here.
Bahamut thinks I'm great, too.
Well, Bahamut thinks everybody is great.
So you're part of everybody.
OK, well, I'll take the first line.
The muggy swamp of Boris von Prescott was founded back in 1462 when he
was out exploring his grandfather's estate and became lost in a well.
But little did he know there was a passage through the side of the well that led out into a murky swamp.
Filled with alligators and other tropical birds.
I'm sorry, I guess I didn't see that there wasn't a period there.
You're not the best reader, Sully.
It's just a little bit of schmutz.
It was schmutz from the swamp.
Yeah, Hillops does sweat all over it.
Yeah.
So I guess.
Oh, and bees.
Oh, I guess now we know more information.
Also, alligators and other tropical birds and bees.
So we should be careful.
Yes, we should be careful.
Well, it's a good thing we were sent on this quest by an orc named Omelette Egg Crusher.
They pay good money.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I wasn't really paying attention when the whole.
I heard that they paid good money and then and something about underpants.
Yeah.
Well, is it they are the underpants of Cool Breeze.
Is Cool Breeze a guy?
Well, they're the holy relic underpants of Cool Breeze.
Is it Cool Breeze because there's lots of holes in these underwears?
Yeah, it's like a fine mesh.
So it's mesh underwear.
But it's meant to be that way.
No, we're not going down that road, you dirties.
It's totally supposed to be that way for aerodynamics.
And airflow.
That's how the Cool Breeze.
I mean, honestly, it's like comfort.
Maybe it would be a good idea.
Hillip, business aside.
Business aside, we're talking business now.
Just quickly.
It would be a great idea if we could somehow
get the trademark on the mesh Cool Breeze underwear to sell at the Bahamas.
Because it does get a bit warm doing Zumba.
Doing Zumba, especially in these muggy climates.
When we put up a great spot here, we're
going to clear some of these trees and bushes.
Maybe put it on risers so it's not in the swamp.
Because it's a high stepping.
We have to high step so much to get through the muck here.
But you can incorporate that into your moves.
Just more excellent cardiovascular situations.
Makes you feel all worked out.
That's what we do?
Not just sell baguettes and take people's money?
No, that's certainly a very small incidental part
of the business that is Zumba and Bahamut
proselytizing between you and me.
Breezy butts are healthy butts.
That's what they say.
That's the new slogan.
Bahamaniacs, get your undies.
Breezy butts are healthy butts.
I'm writing it down.
Glim, sorry, just a little about your business aside.
Do not, under any circumstances, allow Hillop to model these.
Oh, absolutely not.
Absolutely not.
No offense, Hillop, but I know you're quite conservative in your dress.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
I wear long sleeves, long ankle pants.
A lot of pantaloons.
Yeah, it's got to cover everything.
Ankle pants different from regular pants?
Oh, yes, they are very different than regular pants.
Maybe you could tell me all about it as we go through this really mucky place.
Yeah, we have been walking for quite some time here.
But ankle pants, date back to my grandmama and pop pop.
They fashioned ankle pants out of something.
Out of something that is perhaps potato sacks.
But really it was more of a three piece tweed ensemble with flood pants and waistcoats.
There was an era of poofy pants, ankle pants, where they fashion using securing
devices, like cocoons for your legs until one day your legs spring free as butterflies.
Oh, that sounds-
So I have not reached that stage of my life yet.
Are there mushrooms around here?
That's a great question.
I hadn't seen anything, but it seems like Hillop maybe-
Maybe partook in some?
I have some here.
Would you like some?
No, thank you.
Knew it.
Oh.
Okay.
Yep.
Okay.
I sort of was wondering why we were walking on the path, which is still a bit mucky, but
he was just right in there in the swamp, so it does make sense now.
Well if he's scouting locations for new Baja Maniacs, I mean it does make sense
to get in there.
Right.
The group rounds a bend and before them they see a passageway descending down below
the surface of the swamp.
They hear a noise coming up from beneath this swampy passageway.
Probably leads down to the well.
Yeah, but hold on a second.
Listen closely.
It sounds like...
Like...
Sounds like there's an adventure down there.
This is probably the way to find...
What are we even looking for?
The breezy pants of cool underwears?
No, holy relic of underpants and cool breezes.
We'll look and find the pants with holes in them.
I feel like it's just an old pair of underpants.
No, they're special, like magic underpants.
Otherwise why would the orc have paid us to go find them?
Maybe he doesn't like humid hot swamps.
Exactly.
Wants his cool breezed underpants.
Alright, I will lead the way.
Hylp begins to descend towards the blrrrp sound.
The further they go, the less light there is.
Hylp can't see well.
But he keeps going until he gets to the bottom, trips and falls, which is followed
by a very moist blrrrp sound.
Oh.
Well, we should probably go a different way.
It sounds supes dangerous.
Is it?
Hylp, are you?
I think I can...
Are you okay?
Is your face busted?
Are you stuck in something?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What?
Hmm.
I guess we should go get him out of whatever he's in.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, we should.
We should.
It's the right thing to do.
Well, Mo, can you make some fire for us or something?
Because it's awfully dark down there and I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I just don't want to...
I don't want to fall on him and have like...
He was so sweaty.
I just don't want our bodies to touch.
Yeah, I can do that.
And Moot grabs like a rock, kind of a baseball, softball-sized one and casts the light cantrip
on it and illuminates up to a 20-foot radius of light.
All right.
That's beautiful.
All of you see that there is...
It looks like glistening mud.
I rolled a 16, Russ.
It looks like glistening mud down at the base of these stairs.
You watch for just a brief moment and there's like a little bubble that comes up.
Oh no.
This is...
What...
What does it smell like?
I immediately regret that question.
Eww.
Something like baked bread.
Eggs and baked bread.
Is that a hint of lemon?
Maybe some vanilla?
Some rotting vegetables?
I'm getting a hot Cheetos, getting a hot Cheetos sent out of this.
Something spicy.
Can we see like just bubbles or can we see...
Is he submerged or what's up with Hillup?
Is there an outline of Hillup in this mud?
You don't see him.
You just saw the bubble.
You do hear like a lobe.
Well, it seems like he's gone.
I have a javelin that I will gently poke in where the bubbles are coming from.
As hard as you can.
In the general direction of where he fell.
Because it's pretty long.
That's the longest weapon I have.
I don't really want to.
You put it into the mud and it goes in and you keep pushing it down until it
kind of feels resistance and then you feel a tug on the other end.
Oh.
Guys, I think maybe he...
Here help me.
I don't know.
Was it one tug or two?
One tug means I'm fine.
Two tugs means pull me out.
What if it was just one long tug?
I couldn't really tell, but I kind of want to err.
Okay.
All right.
On the count of three.
Glimer all strength or athletics with advantage as well.
That was 17.
That was 11.
So 17.
All right.
It takes a moment.
There's a bit of a give and take.
There's almost a vacuum like pressure behind him.
But then Hillop comes bursting out and you look at your javelin and the metal on it
is completely corroded away.
Oh.
And is Hillop completely corroded away or how's he doing?
How are all of his buttons and things like that?
Yeah.
How about his metal shirt that he was wearing?
His metal shirt.
What about his glasses?
Anything metal on him is lost.
Oh, so he's poor now.
Yep.
His clothing is fine, but any buttons, any belt buckles, anything.
The sequins are all gone.
Yeah, the sequins are gone.
Yeah, the excellent armored hat he was wearing.
His rodeo champ belt buckle, which didn't really make sense because clearly he was
not a rodeo star, but he bought it at a vintage store or something.
I don't know.
The chain he was wearing over top of his turtleneck.
And the chain for his wallet.
All of those things are gone.
Hillop is so normal now.
I don't like it.
You saved me.
I fell into the muck-muck and it went and then swallowed me whole.
Yeah, what was it like in there?
It's cold and smelled a bit like eggs, but also bread.
Tasted like a pickle.
Oh.
Why'd you?
Could have been worse.
Why'd you open your mouth?
Well, you panic.
Right?
No, I don't panic.
Well, let me throw you in and see if you panic.
No, that's totally fine.
I want to keep all of my money.
Yeah, I think it's called the old suck-muck because it sucks you in.
Sounds horrible.
And it's mucky.
It's the old suck-muck.
Okay.
Do we have a way around this suck-muck?
Yeah.
What do we see?
Is there a path?
Luke, can you light it on fire?
The mud?
I could, but I don't know if we should do that.
Could you freeze it so we could walk on top of it?
I don't know if I could.
Phillip will go first.
It'll be fine.
I don't think so.
I could burn it, but I don't know if that's a great idea.
This muck goes about what's long enough that they can't jump it?
Ride alligators across it.
Yeah, that's good.
There, you're getting great ideas here.
If only I had an alligator.
It's sick.
Well, it's good.
Glim can jump farther than that.
It's 10 feet across.
I think.
From a dwarf?
We don't have a dwarf, though.
We have a halfling.
I mean, it would be easier to throw than a dwarf.
Absolutely.
Can we lay down and roll across it?
Someone's welcome to try.
Perhaps it's like a surface tension kind of thing.
Or it's like a bed of nails where the weight is distributed properly, but I don't
want to try it.
I'm just going to jump across.
OK.
You can jump that far, Sully?
Ten feet long?
No, it looks like six freedom units across, yeah.
Yeah, that's what we said after that.
I said no, it's ten feet because Glim could just step across.
I didn't hear that.
You can jump thinking it's six feet, though.
That's cool.
Spatial problems for Sully is fine.
Sully starts stretching his hammies.
All right, yeah, you're good.
Rubbing his shoulders.
No, don't touch me.
You're covered in goop.
Yeah, no, that's OK.
It's all right.
I maybe I could get like a like like maybe you can like go on our fours or
something and then I could run and launch myself off of your back to give
myself a little extra.
OK, what if instead like Glim and I stand there and like create a little
platform for you and when you step on us and jump, we can also throw you
as far as we can.
Oh, I like that.
Let's do it.
Yeah, we're going to.
Yeah.
OK, good.
We're going to need an athletic check and take three pain to spine
damage if you're jumping on here.
Oh, no, we're doing the throw.
Yeah.
Instead of athletics, could it be acrobatics running, jumping into
someone's feet and being flipped into the air?
We could justify acrobatics.
I mean, it could be athletics for Glim and I.
Yep.
That's true.
Let's do an athletics for the lifting, for the lifting, but acroletics.
Acroletics.
I like it.
OK, here we go.
OK, don't tell me what yours is.
I think we know already.
Do you need do you need your halfling luck?
Well, I rolled and so I'm going to use my halfling luck because everybody it was
a one.
OK, how did the athletics do?
18.
12.
19 for my acrobatics.
Yeah, Sully, you take a it's not much of a runway, but you go up a few stairs and
maybe try and get some leverage and then you you run and you jump into moot kind
of gives not, you know, not realizing exercise is the thing.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Probably.
But he's read about it, though.
Picks up the weight and propels you over this muck, which you fly through the air past
six feet, seven feet, eight feet, nine feet and tuck and roll at the 10 foot mark
and make it to the other side on hard ground.
I definitely roll it and then come out of my role like and then like stick the
landing like arms out and I turn towards them and I bow.
All right.
Come on over.
That says nine point five just carries that around with her.
Where did I lose a point five?
Just curious.
Oh, that was that was probably my bad.
Surely carries one sign, though.
I can't ever give a perfect score.
Yeah.
Only Bahamut can be perfect.
She never gives below nine point five, but also never above nine point five.
It's consistency, though.
One card is a tensor for Bahamut.
That's what she always says.
Always says.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hillups next then.
Oh, you want us to.
Okay.
Yeah, we can do it again.
I swear I'll do it better this time.
Aren't you a regular size man too?
Like can't be as easy.
Oh, no.
He's going to roll with this advantage.
Four.
So six.
Fifteen.
I lived up to my word with a 13.
All right.
So Hillup comes barreling down.
He's all arms and legs running like a spaghetti monster.
Yeah, I would assume so.
He gets enough speed that he steps into your hands and manages to propel off, but like slaps
both of you in the face and you're going to take one bludgeoning damage to your face
as he runs by.
One slapping damage.
But you see his legs midair begin to move so fast that they quickly and because he
has big platypus feet, they slap the ground and he manages to duck walk across.
Sorry, he has platypus feet?
Yeah.
Do platypus have big feet?
I don't know.
Sure.
Like I imagine.
Did you not want to throw clowns under the bus so you said platypus feet?
Well, yeah.
Okay, that's all right.
Glim holds the sign up upside down.
So it looks like a 5.6.
And yeah, he leaves a nice mucky handprint smear across Moot and Glim's face.
Sounds about right for old Hillup.
I have talked to animals, which I have never used before.
As always today.
So let's try and talk to a crocodili or an alligator.
Which one did we say there was?
Alligators were down the bell.
Alligators and other birds.
Right.
And other birds.
The animal kingdom is not a mystery to us, okay.
And bees, I seem to remember.
So yes, speak with animals.
So hello, alligators or other tropical birds?
Hello?
You hear like ruffled, yeah, and ruffled footsteps coming from the top of the stairs.
And you look up and you see this long snout of what you'd expect of an alligator.
But it looks like there are frills coming off of it.
Oh.
What accent does an alligator have?
I mean Cajun seems like, but we don't know, any of us do a Cajun accent.
It's not going to be great.
Please don't be offended with whatever Russ does.
It's not going to be great.
It's probably going to be a cross between Donnie Flamekins and Hilla.
Let's find out.
Hey, what you got down there?
Hello.
My friends and I are trying to get across the muck down here.
And I thought you probably have some expert knowledge that you could share.
Yeah, you just climb on my back and we can get right across there, yeah?
Oh.
Oh, that's so wonderful.
That's so wonderful.
My name is Glim.
This is my friend Moot.
I must say, you look great.
I don't mean to be shallow.
But the feathers and the ruffles and the, oh, wow, wow.
Well, what's that song you say?
In the shallow, in the shallow, in the shallow.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah, no.
Hey, I'm just an alligator with feathers.
But, you know, maybe you got to pay me something.
What does an alligator want, you know, what does an alligator need for in this world?
I'm just an old country man.
It's evolving as we find out who this alligator is.
I want to know a little more of this alligator.
You introduced yourself.
I'm going to introduce myself to you.
I saw my name back here somewhere.
It was Lolligata Toothsome is what my name is.
Oh, Lolligata, it's so great to meet you.
If you wouldn't mind helping us across, you see, some of our friends already made it.
We're looking for these mesh underpants, these cool breeze.
Do you know anything about those?
The cool breeze comes up from underneath.
Okay.
And you're headed in the right direction there.
You got to just get going through there.
But I'm going to need some payment.
It's going to need to be dental floss and a preening comb,
as well as a lock of your friend's hair down at the end there.
Oh.
Oh, wow, all right.
Okay, I mean, I do have...
I'll save a bolt for you.
I always have dental floss with me, so I can give you some of that.
Oh, that's great.
Here, I just had this little piece.
And you know what?
My arms are a little bit too short to actually use it.
Do you want me to...
Could you?
I have a really good jay technique.
I mean...
Glimer, you're paying this gator before he takes you.
Well...
Are you putting your hands in the gator's mouth before he takes you across?
He can keep the dental floss after.
It's fine.
Just a little show of pre-gratitude.
Yeah, it's just like back here in the far back.
You just got to reach in, just climb right on in there.
Yeah.
Oh, I see it.
Did you have popcorn?
That's what I ate.
It'll get you.
Every time.
Wasn't a small halfling.
As you're digging around there, you see many things.
So many things.
You see...
Well, there's a human finger bone kind of tucked and curled underneath.
Oh, two...
Oh, did you...
Are you storing these in here?
Because there is some silver.
Do you want me to put that...
Oh, no, I didn't even know that was in there.
That can be yours too.
I don't have any need...
I just take dental floss off of unsuspecting strangers to help them across slippery muck.
Makes sense.
Absolutely makes perfect sense to me.
Oh, and a key?
Have you...
It looks like maybe it's for like a bank box or a...
Oh!
Have you...
Are you looking for that?
You know, there was this individual who lost a key earlier.
Came down from this way too.
Maybe we'll hang on to that there.
Yeah, we'll probably run into them.
Sorry.
Discus.
I was just, you know, doing my track and field there earlier.
Shotput, discus, and we were trying to catch it.
You know how we do these as alligators down here in the...
Swamps.
Yep.
The one.
All right.
You want to get across here or what?
I sure do.
Here's the comb as well.
And Sully, can you give Hillop a little...
Yeah, just lock right off the back.
Look back and I've wrestled him to the ground.
Like pulling out a fistful of hair.
A fistful?
You don't even use a knife.
Fine, I'll use a dagger.
Hold still.
I'll give you a bowl cut.
Okay.
I'll hold still.
You want bangs?
No.
I think he does.
Maybe some feathering.
Yeah, is feathering like the alligator?
Oh, yeah.
You're going to look great.
Just, yeah.
Here we go.
Okay.
Great.
This is a full-armish.
I don't want to know.
It sounds sexy.
That's what we get.
Full-armish with bangs.
That's right.
You are going to be all business up here in the front.
And then you are going to potty in the back.
Oh, yeah.
I love to party.
You know me so well, Sully.
Don't do me wrong.
It just takes some time listening.
You're in the middle of the ride.
What?
I don't feel like you did the right lyrics.
No, Amy's lyrics were kicking yours out of the ballpark, Russ.
Everything, everything will be all right, Russ.
Everything, everything will be just fine.
Because you're here in the middle.
We're here.
Amy's is always so much better.
So I feel bad about that.
Thanks.
I mean, in your defense, quite often we just wait until you start,
whereas she actively went out of her way to like find something for it.
Sure did.
I did.
Which I could do more of.
I mean, we all could.
Russ included.
Oh, no, it's OK.
You know what?
Russ is looking a little down right now.
Do you know who would really pick him up?
What's that?
Is it that we're three patrons away from our next goal and we'd love to hit our next goal?
Yeah, I was going to say that because we are three patrons away from reaching 90 patrons,
which would bring us to our next goal, which would be a like a live stream improv game
that we would be running with suggestions from.
We've already done one before.
Well, you know what?
You're listening to the episode where we where we did it.
Oh, this is the one.
So what you're listening to is what is what we'd be doing again, but not the same.
Except like better, except better next time.
Because every time I feel like we get a little bit better, a little bit better.
So, yes, exactly that.
What Amy said.
And then what you're listening to put those two things together.
Boom. That's what we're going to do.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
I almost blanked on what our thing is that I've been saying.
There was a slight pause in there.
You hadn't drawn attention to it.
I'm sure no one would have noticed.
You know what?
This is why I wasn't on air because I always drew attention to it.
And they were like, screw that one up, guys.
Sorry about that.
Don't draw attention to it.
I can make fun of myself.
And they're like, self-deprecation is really so.
The best form of comedy.
I love it.
2007.
I was like, well, it's only 2008.
Like, yeah, but that's years for you.
They just keep creeping up.
And then there was an existential crisis of like age and stuff.
Oh, wow.
Fair.
As someone who did spend some time on air, I loved when I would fuck up live
and like a glorious fuck up where like all you can do is laugh about it.
Because it's so absurd that you're talking to these thousands of people
and you're an idiot.
I've never been on the radio in any capacity that would make me a radio person.
And I love, just as a listener, I like listening to that stuff
because it humanizes people.
And also it's just like, no, it's just someone on a mic over there
just like fucking up the whole thing.
Tom, get your shit together.
I would always, whenever it happened, I would just laugh and go like,
I am not good at my job, guys.
But we're good at our jobs.
I think is the loop.
Because in podcasting, you don't need to be radio.
And that's why we've all left radio.
And Amy never got into radio.
Because I knew I'd be part of this podcast, which is so much better than radio.
So much better than radio.
I can do it in my jammies.
So if you would love to join us at Patreon,
which is a sentence that makes sense.
If you'd like to join us for our next live show
where we're going to improv using your ideas,
please join us over on Patreon, Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cat.
But we can't do it until we hit 90 patrons.
So come join us.
Yeah.
Because that's what goals are.
We need you.
Yes, you and you.
I need you, baby.
All right.
Back to the episode where we're playing one of these live streamed one shots.
Enjoy.
It's like it was meant to be.
I have so much hair in my hands.
You climb aboard the alligator and the alligator glides across the top
and brings you to the other side, accepts your payment,
says, well, that's very nice knowing you.
And I got to head back up there and find more people to help across Muck.
Well, thank you so much.
It was wonderful to meet you.
I did leave a pamphlet just in your back.
So the next person who flosses you will will hand it to you.
You can learn a little bit more about behind it.
Yeah, totally.
Storage compartments.
That's what we've determined that these are.
Yes.
Not just forgotten items.
You begin heading down this this corridor with your your lighted rock
and you round a bend and into a chamber where there is a creature standing there.
There's a scent of PB and J in the air.
Oh, yeah.
Can you can you smell that?
Mm hmm.
Reminds me of school.
It seems like one of those specialty peanut butters, though.
Mm hmm.
There is a specialty peanut butter.
Well, yeah, some of them have like honey roasted nuts in them and all sorts of things.
You and I had a very different upbringing.
You see a tall hooded platypus with a name tag that says Jerry
and he's holding a jar filled with what looked like tiny jelly beans.
Hello, Jerry.
Is it?
Yeah.
I like your cloak.
Thanks.
Um, this seems like a forward question to ask because we just met.
But do you know anything about holy cool breeze underpants?
Yeah, you just have to get through.
But you have to pass the test.
Oh, oh, what's the test?
Is it a physical test?
Do you want me to do some jumping jacks?
Oh, oh, and I'm already doing one arm pushups.
Wow.
Is it a jelly bean eating test?
Because that's the only thing I bring to this situation.
Well, it's actually each of you will be tested in your own way.
Oh, OK.
I eat a jelly bean and then determine what you're going, which tests you're going to do.
Now, does a jelly bean tell you what the test is going to be?
Or do you just eat one and think about it and then you come up with it?
Yeah.
No, like which one of those?
He eats a jelly bean.
Now, is it talking to you right now?
Yeah, it's telling me things.
I have not studied funny kind of tests.
OK.
Jelly bean number one goes down and Jerry belches fire and announces
your test strong one.
Oh, yes.
Will be
hopscotch.
Oh, OK.
I mean, I haven't really done a lot of hopscotch since the incident.
A pit of mice.
Oh.
Strong smelling muscular mice.
It's a real free show.
There is a real mouse kind of musk in the air.
And I see you do have that hopscotch muscular mouse pit over there.
So just like a standard.
Or do you want me to.
With with with flair and fashion, preferably, but standard would be OK.
So as you approach the the the hopscotch over the mouse, the strong smelling mouse pit.
And they're muscular and they're muscular.
And they're muscular.
Yeah, it's just like it's a it's a you know, it's like bodies really.
Gold's gym at the bottom here.
They're skipping leg day, but they're not upper body.
They're lifting rats over their head.
These mice, they're they're so ripped.
You're going to make a constitution saving throw for this for the smell, first of all.
OK. Oh, not great, guys.
Not great. Oh, that's a four.
Oh, God. She barf on the hopscotch course, making it hard to rain for herself.
It's really it's the musk of the mice.
And then also that, you know, that smell at the gym where it's sort of
it like smells like pennies almost.
It's like sweat and metal.
Oh, I'm just going to stand back here a little bit.
Yeah, you guys. Yeah, I'll take a couple steps back.
It's wafted. It's wafted.
Hey, you think you think you're so tough you can do the hopscotch.
I don't think she's got it. I don't think she can do it.
Yeah, I don't think so either. Yeah.
Well, your voice is really low, Fred.
Been working out the vocal cords, haven't you?
Yeah, she doesn't got it in her.
She's going to vomit.
Come on, pretty girl, let's go.
She'll slip and fall on top of us and that'll probably be bad.
But we'll lift her back up because we're strong mice.
We are many. She's one.
Yeah. Mice will take over the world.
What am I rolling for my hopscotch?
Acrobatics? Athletics? Yeah, let's do acrobatics.
Seventeen. Amidst the taunts.
Those only make me stronger.
You think I have never been taunted before?
Fueled by your hatred.
Yeah, you're going to... one, two, three.
Yeah, you're going to...
Oh, she's doing it. God damn it.
What else do we got?
What do we got?
Your outfit's stupid.
And something about your ankles.
Yeah, leg day much?
It's all falling apart as you cross this hopscotch,
to which Jerry turns and says,
Well done.
Thanks, Jerry.
You've passed. You can go on.
Well, I'll just wait for my friends because we're kind of a team.
We've actually got this destiny.
So the three of us, not that one with the weird haircut
that's quite angular and not... he isn't really part of the...
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Go ahead.
Next.
Somebody find me a personality test that Tom can do.
A quick one.
Is there like a BuzzFeed quiz to tell you which of the friends I am?
Nick said that at the same time.
What is he?
What friend am I?
Which friend's character are you?
Here it is.
Don't stop video. That's the wrong button.
We're back.
Stop won't stop.
I was going to say if you're any...
Put it in the chat because then anyone can take it.
There we go.
It's in the chat. Get it before it's gone.
Ross is a crit fail, it's true.
Really, really.
Are you going to ask him the questions or is Jerry going to ask the questions?
Yeah, Jerry's going to ask the questions.
Or do we just wait while Tom does the questions?
No, we're going to do it.
What's your name?
Moot's going to pick green.
What's your name?
This is a different one.
Pick a movie. Good choices here.
Give me a movie that you like.
Love those Goonies.
Going to go with them.
Truffle Shuffle, right?
We'll go with fall.
That's a good season.
Lots of song choices.
This is great audio when someone does a multiple choice quiz.
We're going to be friends by the white stripes.
We'll go with that one.
On Friday I can be found.
Lots of options here.
I will say playing board games.
Pick a power.
Teleportation.
We got that going on for us.
You're a teleporter, are you?
Got to go with a penguin because it would be delightful to be cold right now.
I'm also really surprised that they didn't have one of those alligators in there.
I wish. If they did, I would have picked it for sure.
Or a platypus.
I'll pick Lord of the Rings.
It's a fantasy series.
Who would I rather date now?
Tom Haverford all the way.
From Parks and Rec, thank you very much.
How long is this quiz?
I just took the first one.
I wanted four questions.
We're getting down to who you are as a person.
It's really in depth.
Small gathering with closest friends.
Let's do that.
Pick a TV show now.
These are all terrible options.
We'll go for house.
I would have totally chosen Glee.
I'm Gary, Phoebe's fiance.
Excellent. Thank you, Michael Rappaport.
You're an angry cop.
Isn't that who he was?
That's really nuts.
If you were really hidden in depth, that wouldn't have been my guess.
Not at all.
I figured you would have been one of the main cast.
Turns out I'm a bit player.
That seems like a noble choice.
Anything but Ross was an immediate pass.
Thank God.
You can proceed.
You must do the pregnancy test.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me what?
You have to take a pregnancy test.
Okay.
It's what the jellyfish does.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me what?
You have to take a pregnancy test.
Okay.
It's what the jelly bean says.
Wait, is failing it passing it?
Oh, good question.
What would you like the pregnancy test to say?
Well, biologically speaking, it should be negative.
But I mean, I'm not going to lie.
You know, could be that Glimer of hope.
Like, what if, right?
You have a lot of wisdom to share.
Two lines for positive and then one line for negative.
Is there like a smiley face if it's positive?
Or a frowny face if it's negative?
Because I don't think you should tell me how I feel about this.
No, no.
It's just the two lines.
Because, you know, we don't want to put that state.
Right, because I got lots of feelings about it.
Sure, yeah.
It's an emotional rollercoaster we're going to go through together.
We're going to pee on this thing.
You're going to pee on this thing.
There was a bathroom behind me.
Oh, yeah, well of course.
I just didn't know if you...
No, I'm not a doctor in the pee or anything.
I actually do really gotta go.
Okay, well let's just all stand outside here and give Sully some motivational support.
Whilst I'm peeing?
Sure, yeah.
Think of flowing streams, babbling brooks.
You can do this, Sully.
Waterfalls.
Listen.
You're doing great.
That's almost what.
Do you need a jelly bean?
Do you want, like, row row row?
Just something distracting?
Okay, can we get it in a round?
Okay, yeah, I'll start.
Row row, row your boat, gently down the stream.
Let it go.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.
Don't know what a rowboat is.
Okay, Jesus, I'm done.
Oh
Yeah, hey, I'm here too
That's how usually characters work. They just kind of drift into the background sometimes. Did you pee yet like a gary from friends?
And what well it's the package says you got to wait two minutes, but oh
Shake it around
What's my test do I get a test
Well, yeah, he'll up can go over. Well, we're waiting again. Well, I did just say there were three of you not noticing you in the back
Well, that's really hurtful. I mean even with that haircut. You didn't notice him. Oh, yeah kind of blended into the curtains there
There's curtains. I did. Oh, yeah, beautiful curtain. I didn't even see them before. Well, where do you think he was peeing?
Well, I mean knowing sully just anywhere he wants. Yeah, that's fair guys. I'm right here. Okay. Well, I didn't need to do a test
I can just
You're still talking. Yeah, okay. How's the test look, huh?
All right
It's okay. So one one line. It's negative and two lines is positive sure
Okay, well, that's what the box says. I've never taken one. Well me neither
Okay, a line and a you and a unicorn. There's a line and then a picture of a unicorn
Do you think you're pregnant with a unicorn? Wow. Oh my god. Wait, that's terrifying check the book check the book
Oh a line in a unicorn it says at some point in a previous live show you've pissed off a unicorn
Yep. Yep, and they're probably gonna be down the hall protecting the underwear. Oh
Well, that's very specific. Wow, you really do have a personal test for everyone except Hilla, but Hilla probably should do
Something right I could do something I mean wait out here dance contest I could hold your jelly beans
Zumba I could I could do Zumba. I practice sometimes when they're doing the classes, you know
Cuz I train all of the new recruitees. Do you need someone to count your jelly beans?
I bet Hilla would be great at that. I could count the jelly beans
Yeah, I mean we could count the jelly looks like a lot of jelly. All right, you got to do it while staying silent though
Starting now. Oh
So close. Ah
Okay, starting now you two you two three go check out your unicorn. Oh
Boy, I don't really want to I'm kind of nervous about the unicorn now
Yeah, I feel like I really need to work up a good apology here
Yeah, but I do really want those cool breeze underpants. So maybe it's worth the awkward conversation
Okay. Yeah, you know what? Let's do it. Okay, the fact that you think it's just gonna be an awkward conversation
Is just just it's precious. Everyone knows unicorns are jerks
Let's go. I said that real loud. They definitely heard me say that you head down this this hallway, which wasn't very long
So whoever is waiting for you on the other side
Heard you as well. I'm trying to get out there and you come around the corner and
it's in a well-lit room and there is a
What you're drawn to first is the unicorn who's sitting cross-legged in a chair
Waiting for you
Wow
Looking at their imaginary watch and then behind them on a pedestal floating in this kind of like Beauty and the Beast
Like flower protecting chamber is are the what looked to be the relic
Holy relic underpants of cool breeze at least how they've been described to you
The unicorn looks at you and says well, it's been a long
Frickin time. Yeah, how are you cross-legged in that chair? I'm a frickin unicorn. Okay. I mean nice
Nice to see you again
Very lovely. I don't think we caught your name before when we met in one hoof. He
From beneath his arm you see him pull out a cigar and he just takes a long drag from it
And sorry. What was your question? I was too busy smoking my stogie
Oh, well, I was just I want to be able to like
You know reference you by name. I don't just want to say hey unicorn. So what's your name?
And my name is Abernathy Abelhoof, but my friends call me sparkly breeze. Well, so can we call you you can call me?
Abernathy, okay. Yes. Yes, sir. Mr. Abelhoof. So nice to meet you or to see you again meet you formally
I guess you brought me into the world's smallest
Underground chamber, do you know
How long I've been on this earth to be brought just poof into the smallest
Underground tunnel. Okay. Yeah, I would like to say right off the top. I'm very sorry about that. It wasn't intentional
See I get this like
How to say it I get this
Like build up of energy in me and then sometimes some crazy things happen as a result
And that's that's what I somehow summoned you unintentionally. The answer is one thousand nine years four months and ten days
Oh, I thought it was a rhetorical question. I didn't know we were supposed to actually guess looking for a number
Oh, wow been around long enough. I can wait for answers, but I didn't think you were gonna get there
so you get all pent up and frustrated and then you just think of a
Unicorn and I know no again making it sound real weird. Yeah
No, nothing nothing like that. Just when I when I use my magic
Sometimes there's like a quirk to it and oh, you know what moot you should prove it. Oh
Great idea. Okay. Sure. Yeah, let's yeah prove it make something happen. Yeah, do some magic and do something unintended. Okay
um, I guess I'll
I'll just bring you bring my
Crab claw I'll show that off to you. Maybe that will
That will trigger something moot summons his crab claw and I rolled a high roll so nothing happens there
He dismisses it. Well, you know, let me I'll just try again. I'll try you know, yeah
Just keep it rolling. You're patient. You've got all the time in the world as you
Yeah, you just do you just stand in the corner. So the other two of you you had nothing to do with summoning me
Then now we just know have we just happen to usually be beside him doing these
Yeah, we're a team. And so I guess in that way it's sort of all of our faults, but more specifically
glim well
If he's only we don't do if he's only looking to punish one of us
Well off on the side you guys just see like the crab claw showing up and vanishing showing up and vanishing showing up and vanishing
Moat at least do something different finally on like the fifth try
He gets it and I will roll you a d100 Russ. All right
Oh, baby, everybody you tell me what happens when his wild magic search table goes
You're talking with Abernathy and
Moots crab claws going on and off and on and off and on and off after a while suddenly another unicorn appears
Okay, so this was a bad example
Fred you two know each other. We all know each other
I've been around for a thousand nine years four months and what did I say six date? Check the tally marks. Okay
No, well, I just that would have been really presumptuous of me and be like I can't like all
Unicorns know each other. I mean, come on a little unlikely though. The world is a big place. Yeah
No, that's Fred. I mean you can call him Magellan mighty horn, but his name to me is Fred. Okay
Yeah, oh cuz you're friends. That's right. Are you though?
Why am I here? Okay. Well, I just first off I want to say I'm sorry
Unintentional this mook over here. He just like summons unicorns at his will and pleasure
Okay, like that's not that's just one of many things that what are you?
I what are you even doing here unicorn boy? I've turned into a sheep before nobody's talking about that
Maybe you guys could mention that to the unicorns. He got he got shorter. Yeah, I like seven inches. He's quite a bit shorter
Yeah, so you like to get shorter so you can I don't I don't get I'm not connecting the dots here
Where do the unicorns come? That's the thing. There's no dots to connect. It's totally random. I have no control over it
Roll a persuasion
That's an 18 for persuasion. Give me a second. I'm gonna go talk to Fred over here. Hey Fred
Yeah, are we gonna give this guy a second chance here? I mean he's this is his second chance
Are we gonna give this guy a third chance and tell him if he summons another unicorn? We're gonna you know, really rough them up
Should really quit that it's terrible terrible habit. Um
You know, I'm not gonna lie I was in a real bad spot
It's kind of awesome that I think I'm poof dead where I was so there was a good thing
Can I borrow 500 gold you borrow 500 gold
You come I'm just in a tight spot. You come in you still owe me 500 gold from the last time
Yeah, but I mean what we mean you were in a tight spot. Were you in it with with gambling unicorns?
The GU is really persuasive. Hmm. Yeah Albert. He's got it. He's got an out
He's got a he's got his eyes on you doesn't he? Well, I just you know
like I had that hot streak and it was going and it was going and then and then it wasn't and
Look you was betting against the Minotaur again, wasn't you? Well, I mean look
You're pooping out the jelly beans again. I can tell your stomach is turning. Okay. What did you what are you two?
What are you three? I keep calling you two
What are you three doing down here? Well, we we we're on a righteous quest
Yes, yeah
To underpants to get those underpants. Oh, you want the underpants cooling breeze. Yeah. Yeah
Well, I could trade those for something. Oh
What would do we have anything that you would want? What are you interested in?
You got any buffet coupons? Oh
Someone's speaking my language here and moot goes into like his little rucksack and he's rummaging around
I got all what are you in the mood for?
His chances are I have it you've like a philofax of them like it's like an accordion wallet
They're all like well, I want like the highest rated one
They haven't been rating the the buffets if you can give me the highest rated buffet at this side of this the spine of the world
You can take the underpants. Okay. Okay a little little confab here guys
It's gotta be do you think sir schloss racist is it racist to say golden corral is that
Is that that's probably inappropriate, right? I mean, they're schloss is probably the best one. You're right. You're right
They definitely have the most variety. So I'm thinking maybe social ops
There's plum garden. Yeah, these are salad palace
Potatoes
We're really good. Oh so good. And I mean who doesn't like a good cop?
Yeah, maybe I'd I hate to ask moot, but do you think you could like maybe pick a couple? Oh
Throw in it's like a bonus just cuz you know, we did
Well, and I mean also
Potatoes is really like it's very like there's only one option
But there's only the one yeah, there's just one so maybe like, you know, okay. Yep. Sure got it
Okay, so
Abernathy, yes lots of choices
Potatoes is a great one. So here's a coupon for that. Oh
golden corral
Okay. Yep seemed. All right
Whoo, that was a I didn't know if that was gonna be good or not. I'll be honest with you
Sir schloss is great. And uh, that's the new one, right? Yeah, it's it's just open
They have a lot of fun things on on the on selection. So that's pretty good. And yeah, give him one for fun. Do oh
When you fondue you fondue. Yep. Perfect. Got it. All right, and fun do so that's four choices
Not choices your choice is all for you for you. Yeah, you're gonna give me all four all four
One thing I would recommend. I don't know you're eating habits, but maybe don't try to tackle all four on the same day
I mean, I'm a unicorn. I could probably eat a lot right? That's that's right. Yeah Fred as well
Yeah, as much as we desire. Yeah, we just turn them into these jelly beans and Jerry comes and takes him
I don't know what he does with them
Yep, oh it's best not to go down that well. Yeah, sure. I'll take all four of these buffet coupons and
You can have these
Underpants and would you say that a debt to you for accidentally?
Poofing you into a place that you did not say you would like to be look we settled me and Fred here
We give you a third chance if we hear that unicorns are going missing
We're gonna come find you. Oh boy. Yeah breaking knees, right?
Okay, that that seems totally totally fair. We will make sure to
Avoid all unicorns at all costs
That was an accident
Yeah, sorry, we're trying to be intimidating here. Yeah, we'll find you take the underpants and get out of our sight before
It's too late mess with the unicorns and you get the horn
Boy. All right. Yep. Okay. Okay. We're just gonna grab these then they look great. They could have this like 90s
Kind of board short kind of look and I love it
Glim wears them out
As the three of you run back out and grab hill up on your way
Yeah, that was like a pointed threat like, you know, he he really gets it
Oh, he's not gonna be summoning no more unicorns. All right. Now tell me about this
Minotaur you owe money
Only 500 gold, but I just don't have it because of my crippling gambling debt
We fade out on the crippling candling candling that handling that
Fred has a day job
Village that's right and
We see moot glim and sully followed quickly by hillup as they're running back towards the city where they found this quest
Alright you guys we really got a head back to pansies. Yeah, I mean, yeah, we've been we've been gone too long
You think that we'll still get the reward? Well, we got these underpants. Are they doing anything for you glim? They look fantastic
Well, I mean over my armor so not probably the full effect, but it seemed rude to just like
really wear them but it is
Breezy, it's cool. Yeah. Yeah, it's nice. Huh? Let me try them
Okay, and we all take a minute just trying on because they're like the sisterhood of the trap
Everyone perfectly running through the muggy swamp like, you know
You need some cool breeze and as you pull them on like it's like a sea breeze
It blows my hair back
That hair too you do not know what sully situation is downstairs
I don't like it
It's just a little wavy
He's like any teenage boy probably very self-conscious about his pubes. It's fair
But yes, you get the sea breeze and it cools you right down and you feel good. You feel dry
You feel refreshed. I feel like powder dry. This is this moot. Would you like to oh, yeah hand them over
Here we go. You pull back into
You pull back into
Panties you pull back into panties and make your way to
Omelette egg crushers abode and you knock on the door and there's loud footsteps that come and the door opens
And it's a wafting
odor that comes out of the of the house
And he's staring down looking at you and says did you bring me my prized?
Underwear I have taken them off before we go into the house and I yep. Yeah, we've got them right here
Just what you were looking for
He looks at them
Snatches them from your hand and gives them a good look over and says these are them of good
Been upset making that deal with the unicorn
He pulls them on one leg at a time and you see like as if there are fans beneath him
He's cooled
From top to tail and this the odor eliminates from the entire area
well
Mr. Omelette if I
Ask you ah
Refreshed why do you keep your prized underwear under such strict?
Like locking key situations well I put inconvenient
I put them down there in the winter when you don't need them
And then I need someone to go fetch them in the summer
But because it's so hot and muggy I can't bring myself to take my to
Trek on back and say I blame you I owe you I owe you payment for these though
Right now that I'm in a better mood. I think I think I feel good about actually paying you now
I was just gonna shut the door previously
Well, thank you for your honesty come in come in and he
Allows you into his house and goes into a back room and comes back after a few moments
He's got three things in his arms
He's got an envelope in one hand and he hands it to the group not into anybody in particular and says here's some buffet
coupons and oh
Here's here's uh this is a jar of jelly beans
Take those yes, thank you
And this one is a larger jar actually there's a few things in here
Most of the things I've been trying to get rid of but maybe you like them
You look inside and there is a small
small statue
figurine of a unicorn
also in there are a mummified monkey's finger and like
Probably wouldn't know this in this world, but there's like a small like rubber
Bat you wouldn't know a balloon. There's balloons in there. Oh
Like inflated balloon. No just like to be inflated balloon. Oh, okay. Yeah an inflated a
Limp balloon a limp balloon. Thank you. Thank you
This is very my prized possessions are now yours
Well, I mean those buffet coupons are we find ourselves in need of them now
Yeah, this unicorn statue will remind us to never summon a unicorn again. Mm-hmm a good reminder forever lesson learned. Oh
When you say summon a unicorn again a unicorn is right beside you what?
I
Dumbgeons and Dragons season 2 episode 113
Flashback improv live show episode starring Amy More as sully Carla Max dead as glim
Tom Laird as moot and Russ More as your dungeon master editing production and sound design is by Russ More
This episode featured music from Kavin McLeod and epidemic sound and sound effects from epidemic sound boom library and sound ideas a
Huge thank you to our supporting producers
Gabriel Lynch Jessica Babya cat water flame Jacob Madden Christian Brown Devin Michaels Craig Zeiss Aaron Stevens
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instant access to bonus episodes a Patreon exclusive podcast called the adventures of as well as helping us towards our next goal where
We'll do another one of these for all of our patrons an improv live show event happening at 90 patrons and 100 patrons
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Thank you for listening. Have a great week. We'll talk again soon
You put it into the ooze mud sorry mud
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